I feel like shit about myself. I don’t like myself. I want to but I can’t most times. Sometimes I feel great about my 210 pound female body, but other times I fucking hate it. Especially after I indulge a little too much. Sometimes I stand up for something and people shut me down fast because I’m not good at articulating. Other times I can find someone less articulate than me, and then I squash them and feel good about myself for a short time. Sometimes I love myself, my heart, my passion and other times I don’t. I want to love myself but I just see a crazy, angry, fucking mess. Is that all I am? I guess so. I am a fucking mess right now. Right now I do hate myself. I fucking hate myself. I’m fucking stupid and useless. I can’t fucking follow through with anything. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

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I don’t understand sometimes how I could be such a fucking idiot. Most people would think of me that way. Including my husband sometimes. I do read, especially about things that I am passionate about. “If you think you are dumb then read more,” has been said to me more times than I can count. I do read! I read a lot of things almost everyday. I’m tired of feeling this way, or being made to look stupid because I can’t articulate very well sometimes. 

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The internet is fucking toxic. People spew so much hate, myself and this blog included. People are so ballsy behind their computer screens. Again myself included. Maybe I should start saying shit to peoples faces and less on the internet. I’m such a word and fact fumble in a one on one confrontation that’s the only problem. I still should do it, or just leave it all alone. Why do I pick these fights with people. I mean racism is racism and I stand against all forms of it. I can’t ever win though because racism is in my DNA, I’m white. Mostly I’m just mad because when I did confront somebody about their racism they retaliated with words like bitch, stupid, and naive. They proceed to tell me that they are well educated and lived in Asia, but provide no facts behind their original statement. It just makes me fucking mad. Yeah, I know I’m fucking stupid, but I didn’t stoop so low  to actually call another person stupid for having a different opinion. You’re a fucking racist! Way to generalize the entire fucking continent of Asian!

Irritated beyond belief.

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Marital Strife

I have officially come out of the religious closet. I’m not a Christian anymore. If I was honest with myself, I haven’t been one for quite a while. My husband told me a few months ago when I was telling him how I feel about god, “So you’re agnostic.” Now a few months later I am comfortable with that assessment. I have made that choice for myself. This is posing problems in our marriage. T is still a Christian. I respect that and I don’t want him to give up or abandon what is important to him. I love him for who he is and I stand by his choices. He is having a hard time with this. We married under the premise that we were both Christians and would continue to be so for life, and now over the last three or four years I’ve changed. I don’t want anything to do with that religion and don’t know if I ever will. He doesn’t know how to deal with that. He says he doesn’t know how much longer our marriage will last if I am not a Christian. I’m not at total marital meltdown point because I don’t think he’ll ever really leave me, but it’s not fair because my process and options are limited to one final outcome, become a Christian again to stay married. So what’s the point of all this wandering? Why even struggle through all of the anger and pain? Why not just give up and succumb to “the almighty”? I just can’t. I can’t do it. The pain is too much. The rules and regs are too restricting. Too many people are oppressed and I can’t handle that. There has been too much manipulation. He doesn’t like how shallow I have been about it, but what he has been failing to understand is, I LIVED IT DAY IN AND DAY OUT FOR ALMOST TEN YEARS. I feel like I have the luxury of being shallow about this. I don’t care about creation, I don’t care about salvation for free. I just don’t care. I don’t care about religion and dogma, I don’t ever want to be apart of a belief that requires you to jump through hoops x, y, and z. I just can’t subscribe anymore. I feel so alone, like nobody gets me. T a and I can’t talk about it because we just end up fighting. My bestie and I can’t talk about it because she always want to tell me about God’s will for my life. I have sort of talked about it with my other bestie but her marriage is in shambles as well. It’s a lonely road. I’ll figure it out and deal, but religion is not the answer for me. I hope he doesn’t leave me because of this, that would be a definite lack of the grace in which he finds in the Jesus that he serves.

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Happy, Still Lonely

I am happier than I have been in a while. I still feel alone. I want to be left alone by the one who’s hurt me most, but she persists. You are not portraying the persistent unfailing love of god, just so you know. You are displaying the same need to control the situation and are uncomfortable just sitting in you own shit for an undetermined while. I don’t want to work this out with you. Why can’t I just say that? I don’t want to go on my usual angry rant about this. I’m tired of releasing it in a verbal way.

Happy completely in my job. It’s challenging and soooo rewarding. I love going to work everyday. It makes me smile inside and out. Moving forward and growing as a chef. I want to be the best and I strive harder and harder as each day passes. Food has proven to be my therapy. I am happy.

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I’ve fucked up!

I’ve fucked up

Been fucked up

Fuck you, you’re a fuck up

I’ve said sorry

tried to make it right

What’s the use though 

If you will always hold it over my head


Being the only fucked up one sucks

I’ve lived my life

Being the only fucked up one

Because just about every one I know

Can’t own up to how fucked up they really are


Fuck you 

Fuck your “imperfectness”

Fuck your, “I’ll repent

…..if I’m wrong”

Fuck you

I’m free with my fucked upness

Because that’s what I am 

Fucked up



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Christian Apologies

I am convinced at this point that I want nothing to do with the Christian faith. This quote is a comment by a Christian on a Christian blog realizing that they sound like an ass and make it the other persons problem. 

Yes, you understand two sentences partially, and understand the article not at all. Your response is simplistic and a knee-jerk action done by someone who feels attacked. Which, by the way, you weren’t. Um, until right now….. Well, now I feel like a jerk. Crap. Um, well, I guess you are free to misinterpret whatever you want, focus myopically on whatever offends you the most instead of taking into account the entirety of someone’s work.

And yes, I know thats a terrible apology. Please don’t take a small quote and display it with pride while ignoring the rest of the post.

And now, I’m done.

*Drops mic and walks off the stage*”


What an ass and reason 672 why I hate Christians. 

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